Listen up, Chuckleheads: one kid >all the guns

I like the movie Barbie so much that I went to see it twice at the Crystal Theatre. The more I think about it, Carbondale is kinda like Barbieland: every day is a good day, the town mothers have the final say, and the men can cry in public (at events like kids’ soccer games and the rodeo, anyway.)

If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend this Greta Gerwig film. Weird Barbie is brilliant, and Ken’s character development throughout the story is fantastic, but Gloria’s monologue nails the main issue with our society today.

It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we’re always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know. -Greta Gerwig

She’s right. Not only are we image obsessed, but the ideal image is a moving and impossible target. And it’s not just the girls. Young men are permanently changing the shape of their heads and bodies before they’re fully developed, much less before their self-esteem has had time to catch up. We are told to conform to something that is not only unattainable, but out-of-date as soon as it’s realized, e.g., those poor souls who lasered off all their pubic hair because of a fad that faded faster than a summer tan. There is no way to win the patriarchy trophy, and that is a major factor in all these incels who shoot up public events.

The old way isn’t working anymore. We spend billions of dollars on guns, yet we still feel afraid… And the guys and gals who should be helping us, thinking of our best interests, are corrupt. As the parties prop up their ancient cardboard poster candidates for another lap of Capitalize on the Consumerism, we watch in horror as they reenact the farce of assault rifle legislation called Weekend at Mitch’s. Mitch McConnell is the perfect example of why it’s important to read the room, to realize when the party is winding down so you can go grab your coat.

Whether it’s a pink puffy or a faux fur like Ken wears in Barbie, Greta’s message for our future is clear. You do you, and let everyone else decide for themselves when, where, and with whom they want to create the story of us. Oh, and maybe hold off on the plastic surgery until your pre-frontal cortex is fully developed.